I WROTE THIS A YEAR AGO

Dearest Jenni,

You did this once and it was really cool, so I am sitting writing you a letter at an airport in Toronto.

In the next year I hope you,

• Commit to 100% raw, organic food.
• Stop making trash.
• Get engaged 100 times
• Go Camping
• Do something crazy!
• Learn more about communicating your mission to the world
• Do inspiring work that pays the bills and make the world better.
• Write letter to help animals!
• Host a French party (maybe this one takes a little longer haha)
• Make Paper!
• drop something off a building
• Try stand up comedy!
• Perform Spoken Word Poetry

You were very effective last year and I can’t wait to see what you accomplish! You are amazing. I love you.

Peace,

Jenni (2012)

Acting Workout 2: How Do I Act??? What is Acting???

It’s nights like this I question why I am doing this. And why I am not doing this. In some ways, performing and creating are what keeps me alive. Every time something bad happening to me or I have to overcome a challenge I think to myself, it’s okay because this is great songwriting material, or this will give me more to draw on as an actor. Sometimes though, the process of channeling those things is very difficult.

 

Tonight I was playing a character who had just experienced a breakup and was crying. At first I got really caught up on the crying and just wanting to make myself cry. Then I let that go and worked more on trying to achieve my objective in the scene. I was trying to bring my own life experiences in to channel the required emotions within myself but I couldn’t connect the two. It wasn’t like I didn’t have ample things to draw on, or that I didn’t understand what the character was going through.. but I could not bring those emotions into my body within the scene. I felt like I needed to sit there for hours preparing myself to have the intensity and emotions required. I tried getting ready on the train before coming to class but when I got in the room I was overcome with the desire to be social and talk with the class as we waited to get started. I also noticed that as the scene was going I would yawn every time I felt like some emotion was going to come through me. It was like my body was working against me…

 

I remember when I was a kid I was THE BEST at crying on cue. I could cry anytime. I used to play the game “graveyard” at daycare, where someone walks around tries to make everyone laugh… and I would always end the game weeping. I was a fairly lonely kid and didn’t really fit in with most groups (or at least this is how I remember it) so I would draw on that, but mainly I would remember scenes from movies that made me sad. I used to think of this scene from the Grinch where he looks really lonely and everyone is mean to him and I would cry every time….

 

 

I even considered calling my boyfriend and asking him to pretend to break up with me, or having a friend yell at me… Or finding a friend and asking the specifically to be really mean to me when I ask.. or getting into an argument with a stranger. How do I

I feel like I should invent my own method that works for me, but then people have been acting for centuries – why do I not just follow their training? All of the Grotowski and body training from my classes at SFU finally started to make sense… being aware of my body and how I am being… accessing my emotions… the effects that posture and position have on my emotional life… I finally started to get it… but when I think of the possibility of doing that for a year and a half I dread the idea. I don’t think I could handle being in this hard, tired, yawning place for that long. Where is the play? The make-believe?

I know that acting is an important part of my life but I am not sure how I want it to fit into my career and world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4mW8VtgEio

Acting Workout: When can I “do” something?

Today I had my first acting class downtown with Dolores Drake. I am in her class called “The Professional Acting Workout”. I got to be downtown at night which I love, but not the late kind of night (though I got to do that too) but the sunset time of night. The twilight. When the orange (the pretty kind, not like the CMYK kind) kissed the pavilions and the streetlights and the building’s edges.

I learned so much and I really had a positive experience! So many questions and answers.

 I was wondering about how to know when you “can do” something. For example, an accent. Or a special skill. Like playing guitar. When am I competent enough and proficient enough and confident enough to put something on my resume. I suppose I could think of acting as similar to other types of jobs this way. If I don’t want to be hired for 3D Modeling, then I won’t put it on my resumé. If I don’t feel comfortable playing clarinet for a casting director, I probably shouldn’t advertise that either. My teacher brought up some good point too about getting feedback and confidence. Do [insert skill here] for people and if your peers, friends, classmates, teachers, etc. compliment you on your work, then it is something you should promote. Do you believe yourself and feel confident?

COMEDIC SIDE NOTE:

That reminds me… during the winter break this year I went on the trip to Whistler with some friends and for some reason (I can’t recall if this was before or after the alcohol but neither would surprise me) I spent a large portion of the evening pretending to be Australian (because SO MANY people we met up there were from down under). I went to a cafe with an accent (where the owners were legit Australian), I bought lift passes, I went to a bar… I drank more alcohol. LOL.

I got to read three parts today in class:

1. A short bit from Brent Butt’s CBC show “Hiccups”
2. A scene from a TV movie where I worked at an eyeglass store.
3. I am now working on the role of “Lynda” from Savage in Limbo by John Patrick Shanley

I really enjoyed the class for a few reasons. Everyone is very talented. People are working. One of the guys from the last class I attended was in a commercial I saw on TV  recently! Cool! (I still get a bit starstruck : P).

Also, I really like working with Film and Television material. I was reflecting on my time so far in the SFU Theatre Program and I noticed that often with self-directed scenes from plays I couldn’t “figure it out”. What does this line mean? How do we make the scene interesting? I needed a director or outside eye to help me put things together. Perhaps it is because of all the short film work I have done from a Director and DOP standpoint, but I really “got” the scene today. There were a couple times when the rest of the class was confused but I “got” it. That felt good, to be in on the joke. To understand.

I started to see myself in roles while rehearsing in class today. This has been a struggle with me in my ongoing journey wondering if/how I should pursue acting. I am a character. I fit into role. THAT COULD BE ME.

Overall, beautiful, wonderful day. Job well done. Mission accomplished. YES.

Am I Living In Integrity?

I sit now, reflecting on myself. Am I living in integrity? I am being my word?

I have spent the beginning of this week doing vegan outreach at my university. With a fellow animal advocate we have had a Pay Per View booth (see: http://www.mercyforanimals.org/paid-per-view.aspx).

Across from our booth was the SFU Lifeline Club, the pro-life (and quick to mention anti-abortion) club on campus. When speaking with the students at the booth I really began to question myself on this issue. I began to question myself in general.

For many years I have not even admitted that I ever enjoyed the taste of meat. “It is the spices and seasons that made it taste good” I would say. Much like the defenses that carnist ideology brings up…

“to eat the body of another sentient being, we have to block our awareness and shut down our empathy.” – Melanie Joy via http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=7vWbV9FPo_Q#!

I would deny and put up a “vegan wall” against animal products. I think in some ways I have to. I have to put up a wall and “imagine”, forcing myself to remember the torture and pain that animals experience, the ill-health effects of animal products, and the environmental degradation… it is a mental exercise (though admittedly, it has gotten easier and become more of an unconscious thing that I no longer have to work at as actively as when I first went vegan).

Though non-vegans also practice a similar tactic (I believe) to avoid thinking about where their meat comes from, I feel as if i am acting a bit defensively. Perhaps I am in denial about what “tastes good” to me in order to do what I think is right.

These are the places I feel out of integrity:
Fair Trade – When cocoa or cacao is an ingredient in a (vegan) product I am not always inquisitive as to the source. This also applies to coffee and tea. I don’t drink them very often but I am not always conscious about the source. I think this is an easy thing I can “correct” to try and live more in integrity.
Electronics – Though I have done research on the assembly production of electronics I have bought (I wrote a paper and researched the Foxcon suicides), I have only briefly heard about the minerals and potentially horrible conditions and harvesting of these minerals in third-world countries. This is an issue I have had trouble finding information about and do not have any clear solutions for.
Clothing – Though I have been buying only articles Made in Canada/the USA and well researched companies which do not use sweatshops overseas, I have not been buying exclusively organic cotton and materials free from pesticides and the pollution of conventional cotton production. I did another research project on this industry and I am very ashamed of the production process of many textile products. I suppose I could buy more second hand products. Hmm. I shall consider this further.
Driving – I have been getting rides and driving with friends so often lately. I miss my bicycle commuting, my bold action against the fossil fuel industry.
Abortion – As I outlines in my previous post, I have not given this issue adequate consideration.
Organics – Why am I “die-hard” about the consumption of animals when the use of pesticides and other chemicals is also destructive to the environment, bad for health and kills insects and other species.

Thinking about these issue, I also started to reflect on self-destructive behavior. Where did this idea come from? What is the difference between self-care and self-harm? So many questions…

Pro-Thought: Jenni Thinks About Abortion

http://nationalpostnews.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/abortion.jpg

http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/12/07/graphic-abortion-in-canada-almost-100000-documented-terminations-in-2009/

Yesterday I spoke with the SFU Lifeline Club, the pro-life (and quick to mention anti-abortion) club on campus. It really got me thinking about the issue of abortion. As a generally left-leaning person I had “decided” I was pro-choice without giving the issue much thought or learning about the issue. When speaking with the representative I noticed myself saying that, while I, MYSELF, do not think I would ever get an abortion (seen Blue Valentine? Ugh, makes me shutter just thinking about someone doing that to me)… (even if it meant dying due to medical complications), I would not want to tell other people what to do. I noticed myself thinking that there are bigger issues that deserve my attention than abortion. I noticed myself judging past abortion displays I had seen thinking, why must they be so “in your face”? I realized that those are the same things many people think about vegan outreach and animal advocacy. I realized that, much like in the factory farms where animals are murdered and tortured, many babies are aborted around the world every year. Why am I so willing to tell people how they should eat and speak out against animal suffering, when I am so scared to speak about abortion? Sometimes when I reflect on ongoing animal suffering I wish I could close all the supermarkets, stop all the slaughter houses, and make all the killing stop. I wish I could run through the streets turning people into vegans. I wish the world was different and I feel an agent pull to create this change.

The group told me that Canada is one of only a few countries in the world with no restrictions on abortion. This means that abortion can occur during any term of pregnancy. I was very shocked to hear this. I realized that I don’t know very much about abortion, on either side of the “debate”. I found myself stating that I do not know much about the potential health reasons someone would get an abortion, or any reasons for that matter.

Based on the (very little and non-researched) information I have right now I think that there should be restrictions on abortion. I do not think aborting late in the pregnancy is ok. I think that non-invasive (this might be the wrong word to use) “abortion” techniques at the very start of the abortion are not cruel (before the central nervous system has developed). I think that stem cell research is a positive thing when the cells are harvested from the umbilical cord or right after fertilization…. I think.

Reflecting on my ignorance on this matter I am asking myself the following questions:

• How do I decide what to devote my time to?

• Which causes are worthy of my voice?

I can’t possibly learn about ALL social issues in a large amount of detail (or can I? Hmmm). That being said i think I would like to know more about abortion. I am not really sure where to start…

Do you have any articles or books to recommend?

Hey Beautiful Girl

I wrote this just now. I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t feel well but I am super glad now because being awake gave me time to do this. This is dedicated to so many people. I have been struggling with grief recently partially from loss and also from having some friends go through some tough times. This is for everybody. Girls and the girl inside.

[VERSE 1]

I know you’re out there somewhere

You might feel all alone

Far too far from home

But I am here.

I’m so far away

Wanna run to you in haste

I’ll be your ear.

Whisper if you must

I’ll return your trust

…I’m looking in a mirror

[CHORUS]

Hey Beautiful Girl

I wanna hold you ‘till it’s better

Lift you up in love

Wish I could ask the pain to pass

Raise you up above

With my hand under your heart

And my heart beside your hand

I’ll hold you in my arms

…And be your friend.

[VERSE 2]

In case you ever wonder

You’re good enough for me

All I could wish to be

Is just like you.

I love the way you fall

‘Cause your stronger from it all

You cannot lose.

It’s okay to cry

But just remember why

I wrote a song about you.

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]

Please don’t ever forget (ever forget)

Please dont ever neglect (ever neglect, ever neglect)

The one who taught me respect.

[FINAL CHORUS]

Hey Beautiful Girl

I wanna hold you ‘till it’s better

Lift you up in love

Wish I could ask the pain to pass

Raise you up above

With my hand under your heart

And my heart beside your hand

I’ll hold you in my arms

…Until the end.

Today…

Today I…

• Posted stuff on craigslist
• Thought about Russell Brand
• Did Laundry
• Ate Banana Maca Smoothie
• Went to school
• Had Class with Dancers and Theatre Students at SFU where I
  • Did improvisation
  • Made improvisation overly sexualized because I figured Russell Brand would approve
  • Decided that pleasure is in fact merely the absence of pain
  • Realized that everyone looks like a star in the right lighting
  • Affirmed my recent commitment to become famous
• Wondered if my nectarine had some sort of mould
• Took photo of aforementioned potential mould
• Pondered keeping it to perform experiments on
• Decided I should write about my thoughts and musings for the day to entertain other and practice my comedy.

Cheers.

Hot Yoga 2 Bipolar

Goodness it has been a while! I am looking forward to blogging more soon with updates and discoveries from my fruitful few months but today I am writing in response to a particular inspiration… this is the sort of post I probably shouldn’t publish, that ends up being the most helpful to others so…

Today I did hot yoga for the first time. It was a very awakening experience for me. At the start of the class the teach recited a mantra something along the lines of you control your own experience… choose in the space between stimulus and response… Upon hearing this my reaction was control? I don’t have control. I cry. I feel frustrated. This is how I respond when the unexpected occurs. I have spent lots of time preaching that people can choose their emotions and how they respond to situations. I have fallen from the path. I have preached that true happiness comes from within and that external things cannot create those conditions, and yet I want my soft pyjamas and my fluffy towel and my mango smoothie. These things keep me who I am. Or perhaps they stop me from being who I am meant to be. Sometimes, they keep me in the game…

I have emerged over the past year in a pattern. Every three our four months I stay home for three our four days, sometimes a week. I do not leave the house, and if I have to I wear sunglasses so no one can see me weep. I cry, I feel angry, I feel sad, I sleep. Mostly I sleep. But even then I am unable to separate myself from the never-ending to do list of my life, so I watch movies. I create to-do’s. I stop eating, or I eat too much. Or I make a green smoothie and slowly stabilize myself enough to return to society.

I really identified with how Bukowski described it in this interview…

I wonder as well if these episodes have been a result of high stress situations. Legal disputes, heartbreak, loosing friends, death-related grief, overwhelm… I always end up in these high stress positions. Or I have not yet learned how to manage that. Or perhaps I am managing it quite well.

I first self-diagnosed myself with depression in tenth grade when they called my Mom and forced me to leave the school because I didn’t want to live anymore. That was rockbottom for me. But things went way up from there. Which leads me to a new self-diagnosis: bipolar II. Within those days when I stay home every few months I go up and down. From extreme sadness to optimism and laughter, sometimes within seconds. And then the sun rises and I return to life as I know it. And soon inspiration finds me and I am standing and weeping tears of joy because I am overwhelmed with the ingenuity of humanity and the universe. And so the cycle continues.

But is this just part of the human experience? Do not all people experience great joy and great sadness? Isn’t that the essence of being alive? I would like to find out.

Part of me wants to get and official diagnosis so I can prove that I am a very high functioning person, and that pharmaceuticals aren’t necessary to survive. Part of me is scared it might make things more complicated for me. Even if diagnoses by a physician I would not pursue any treatment. I don’t take drugs (back on the straight edge path) and I do not find counselling helpful. So I guess I just ponder.

Oh, and keep stretching!

Good night.

Jenni’s Vindictuve Vegan Rap (It’s Annotated)

Right now I am two weeks away from finishing my main summer course: The Semester in Dialogue, topic: Sustainable Food Systems. I have been very sad and frustrated lately engaging so frequently with what is happening to animals. We have to write a weekly reflection so last week I wrote this vindictive and annotated rap. Enjoy.

With what feeds us

There is no feedback loop

Hundred of boys and girls are raised on slop:

Oliver, J. (2010). Jamie Oliver’s TED Prize wish: Teach every child about food [TED Talk]. TED. Retrieved from: http://www.ted.com/talks/jamie_oliver.html

and stoop down

Five people drowned in poop:

Foer, J. (2009). Eating Animals. New York: Little, Brown and Company. p. 177

Pig soup, 100,000 feet wide

or more

and what’s in store?

Not just stool in a pool but stillborns and drool

And blood and hair and piss is in there

But please, don’t mention that to me

I don’t want to know where the body I eat could be from

Or where it goes

Nobody knows

how many million lives are taken

And for what?

Our health is at stake and

Fulkerson, L [dir.]. (2011). Forks Over Knives [Film]. USA: Monica Beach Media.

For steak we make such sacrifice

Workers injured and jarred on the line

Foer, J. (2009). Eating Animals. New York: Little, Brown and Company. p. 132

That never stops

As the slaughterers never stop

To think

Or if they do

they keep on buying in

To stories about protein and taurine

Making them strong

So many sing along

With the sad songs of

Charbroiled or tin foiled

Milk is spoiled

Cows are coiled and branded

Castrated after birth

Balls chopped off

Tails ripped, horns merc-i-o-s-ly

Ronald McDonald you can come at me

Please leave the kids alone

They have a right to know

The taste of fresh

A burger is not the best

Way to educate a generation

About food

To teach them

Respect, now don’t be rude

Eat your dinner

Sing a song for the winners

But don’t mourn the deaths of

Animals in the depths

Of the factory that they call a farm

They facility where they shit and are born

Baby chicks ground up at birth

Mercy for animals. (2009). Undercover Investigation at Hy-Line Hatchery [Video Footage]. Retrieved via: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=JJ–faib7to

The cost off eggs might bankrupt your purse

If we value life like we value what we like

If it “tastes good” that doesn’t make it right

And I vow to stop it with all my might

These babies being taken on their first night

Michael Ableman, Personal communication, May 11, 2012.

Boys in the grinder

Mercy for animals. (2009). Undercover Investigation at Hy-Line Hatchery [Video Footage]. Retrieved via: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=JJ–faib7to

Girls stay behind and lay eggs for a few years

Then we’ll chop of your head and eat you with a beer

After we bleed you out

Boil you down

Pump you with water, salt and

Foer, J. (2009). Eating Animals. New York: Little, Brown and Company. p. 131

Ship you round

Wish I knew how it started

Wish I knew why

The whole thing

Makes me cry

I pray at night

For the souls who can’t fight

For those who “don’t know what they do”

Luke 23:34, New American Standard Bible, 1995

In that respect Jesus knew a thing or two

Father give us forgiveness

Mother please don’t grieve for us

Escape! It may be the only way

For us to leave this place

And have our space

To roam free

The animals and me

If we escape through a fence or a rope in a tree

The Peace Abby. (2011). Emily the Sacred Cow. Massachusetts: The Peace Abby. Retrieved from: http://www.peaceabbey.org/tour-guide/emily-the-cow/

We’ll go perhaps to a kinder place

No guarantee but at least we can be

How, and Who we want to

Bees, give us your honey from your hive

It can infect our babies but keeps adults alive

Lewis, N. (2010). Why Honey is Not Vegan. Vegetus. Retrieved from: http://www.vegetus.org/honey/honey.htm

Right?

Spoonful every night

It’s digested and spit up fifty times

Lewis, N. (2010). Why Honey is Not Vegan. Vegetus. Retrieved from: http://www.vegetus.org/honey/honey.htm

And to make your home we’ll ship you a pound at a time

Mark Winston, personal communication, June 1, 2012.

Mr.honey bee

Who came from overseas

Lewis, N. (2010). Why Honey is Not Vegan. Vegetus. Retrieved from: http://www.vegetus.org/honey/honey.htm

All for that tasty treat for me

So I ask

who are the animals?

The ones we force to be cannibals

Eating ground flesh and bone from other mammals

PETA. (2010). Drowning, Cannibalization, and Other Reasons Not to Dissect

. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Retrieved from: http://www.peta.org/b/thepetafiles/archive/2010/10/11/drowning-cannibalization-and-other-reasons-not-to-dissect.aspx

born in crates

Sherrow, M. (2011). Pigs suffer while Smithfield takes its time. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Retrieved from: http://www.peta.org/b/thepetafiles/archive/2011/12/09/pigs-suffer-while-smithfield-takes-its-sweet-time.aspx

beat with a cane

bred together

as we chose

and they lose

their ability to

copulate

Foer, J. (2009). Eating Animals. New York: Little, Brown and Company. p. 113

the turkeys I mean

but not the humans consuming

meet your meat

instead choose something sweet

that doesn’t cost a life

with a slip or a knife

or a baby

or give diabetes to some old lady

Fulkerson, L [dir.]. (2011). Forks Over Knives [Film]. USA: Monica Beach Media.

make a choice

use your voice

cause the producers tell me

it’s supply and demand

Mark Robbins, personal communication, May 31, 2012.

but i’m not asking

so I want to know what can

I do

other than refuse

and ask you

to join me to

to stop this war

this holocaust

by beasts

who want something to wear or eat

don’t be one more

make a choice at the store

please don’t tell me

that you’re an omnivore

and that this is the only way

‘cause its sick

with a twist

and if you’d look at the pics

PETA. (2012). Graphic. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Retrieved from: http://www.peta.org/tv/videos/graphic/default.aspx

I bet you’d agree

that this policy

is better left in the past

if we want the Earth to last

before it’s filled up with smoke

and greenhouse gas

passed

by cows and pigs by hundred thousands

millions

Foer, J. (2009). Eating Animals. New York: Little, Brown and Company. p. 43

each year

multiplied by artificial insemination dear

DeJarnette, M. and Nebel, R. (n.d.) A.I. Technique in Cattle. Select Reproductive Solutions. Retrieved from: http://www.selectsires.com/resources/fertilitydocs/ai_technique_cattle.pdf

if I put my hand up your rear

would you say that nature’s right is here?

and lets be clear

grass fed saves no steer

just open the door

and you think that’s enough for

a life given in exchange

hung upside down on a rack

deranged

kicking and screaming

after a bolt to the brain

Foer, J. (2009). Eating Animals. New York: Little, Brown and Company. p. 226

it might miss the skull and leave him in pain

but that’s okay

that’s just the way

we feed the world today

the price we pay

for some bacon and a burger, kay?

it’s easy, hey

fast food

for the mood

of the high school brood

come on dude

you can choose your food

pick your fate

make your name

live in honor and stop the pain.

Proposal Ideas

Hockey Game

http://thetyee.ca/Video/2012/03/21/Hockey-Game-Proposal/

Movie Trailer

Message in a Bottle

As a Musical

Airport

On a Mountain

At School

With Cops (This Chick is named Jenni!!!)

Using Children

Flash Mob

On TV

Picnic

In a Field (LOL… turn around… turn around again)

Wedding all in One