Goodness it has been a while! I am looking forward to blogging more soon with updates and discoveries from my fruitful few months but today I am writing in response to a particular inspiration… this is the sort of post I probably shouldn’t publish, that ends up being the most helpful to others so…
Today I did hot yoga for the first time. It was a very awakening experience for me. At the start of the class the teach recited a mantra something along the lines of you control your own experience… choose in the space between stimulus and response… Upon hearing this my reaction was control? I don’t have control. I cry. I feel frustrated. This is how I respond when the unexpected occurs. I have spent lots of time preaching that people can choose their emotions and how they respond to situations. I have fallen from the path. I have preached that true happiness comes from within and that external things cannot create those conditions, and yet I want my soft pyjamas and my fluffy towel and my mango smoothie. These things keep me who I am. Or perhaps they stop me from being who I am meant to be. Sometimes, they keep me in the game…
I have emerged over the past year in a pattern. Every three our four months I stay home for three our four days, sometimes a week. I do not leave the house, and if I have to I wear sunglasses so no one can see me weep. I cry, I feel angry, I feel sad, I sleep. Mostly I sleep. But even then I am unable to separate myself from the never-ending to do list of my life, so I watch movies. I create to-do’s. I stop eating, or I eat too much. Or I make a green smoothie and slowly stabilize myself enough to return to society.
I really identified with how Bukowski described it in this interview…
I wonder as well if these episodes have been a result of high stress situations. Legal disputes, heartbreak, loosing friends, death-related grief, overwhelm… I always end up in these high stress positions. Or I have not yet learned how to manage that. Or perhaps I am managing it quite well.
I first self-diagnosed myself with depression in tenth grade when they called my Mom and forced me to leave the school because I didn’t want to live anymore. That was rockbottom for me. But things went way up from there. Which leads me to a new self-diagnosis: bipolar II. Within those days when I stay home every few months I go up and down. From extreme sadness to optimism and laughter, sometimes within seconds. And then the sun rises and I return to life as I know it. And soon inspiration finds me and I am standing and weeping tears of joy because I am overwhelmed with the ingenuity of humanity and the universe. And so the cycle continues.
But is this just part of the human experience? Do not all people experience great joy and great sadness? Isn’t that the essence of being alive? I would like to find out.
Part of me wants to get and official diagnosis so I can prove that I am a very high functioning person, and that pharmaceuticals aren’t necessary to survive. Part of me is scared it might make things more complicated for me. Even if diagnoses by a physician I would not pursue any treatment. I don’t take drugs (back on the straight edge path) and I do not find counselling helpful. So I guess I just ponder.
Oh, and keep stretching!